Thinking of You

Today is hard. I don't know why it just is. I'm finding grief is something that just doesn't go away. It lingers and attacks at different times; I just kind of want it to end. For those of you who know me, I lost my cousin this year. She was seventeen years old and the brightest ray of sunshine I knew. Her smile was contagious, her words warming, and her heart just the most beautiful thing anyone has seen. I miss her a lot.

Thing is, I don't know why it keeps cropping up like this. Some days I can go without thinking of her; it's just a part of life and my days keep going on. Other days, all I can do is wonder. Where she is, how she is, is it ok, is she smiling? Certain songs set me off and I'm a blubbering mess of tears and heart ache. In those moments, all I can think is how beautiful she was and I want to see her again. It's those moments that hurt the most.

Random days hit harder than others and it's just one of those days I suppose. I can't remember the last time I spoke to her, but I do remember chasing her around the yard when she was just a baby. I remember taking her to a church, Halloween party and how excited she was. I remember giving her a pair of gloves from Hot Topic when she was twelve, they were finger-less and she said she felt so "cool" in them. She took them home because the way it lit up her face made it impossible to tell her know. I didn't mind either because she adored those things. I remember wishing her happy birthday on facebook after she moved and getting the most gracious responses. Such a beautiful child.

She made a lot of people smile, a lot of people happy. It's hard knowing I'll have children who will never know her. I will eventually have a family to call my own that she won't get to meet. These things crop up for me today and it hurts. Seeing our family without her...it's tough.

Recently, we all got together to see each other and it's been years since it happened. All the cousins and grandparents, even an aunt came. Still, little Chelsea wasn't there. It was full of smiles, joys, and happiness but my heart ached for not having her there. She didn't have the option to be there because she was gone.

So what has her lost taught me? Did I learn anything from it? I'm always learning, it doesn't lessen the pain. I love my family; you never know when someone can be gone. I've gotten better at staying in touch, telling them I miss them or love them. Because tomorrow is not guaranteed and with all the regrets I have missing one cousin, I can't imagine losing more.

Yes, it's been a hard last couple of months but I'm surviving. I was just thinking of you today and wanted you to know I miss you.